Dear Fan Fiction Writers
by MissCHSparkles
Summary: This was originally written by Callidora-Malfoy who decided to close down their account but allowed me to re-post this story. Similar to my Pet Peeves story as it involves different Harry Potter characters writing to fan fiction to air their complaints about various story plots and how they are portrayed. Hope you all enjoy.
1. Chapter 1 Sanguini

_Author's note. This was originally written by Callidora-Malfoy who decided to close down their account but allowed me to re-post this story. I hope you all enjoy._

_Enjoy and please review._

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Vampires do NOT sparkle.

**Sincerely, Sanguini.**


	2. Chapter 2 Severus Snape

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy _

_Enjoy and please review._

_**Dear FanFiction Writers,**_

My hair is greasy. Yes, I've accepted it. It is not raven-black soft slick hair that is soft as a feather.

**Sincerely, Severus Snape.**

P.S. I do not have an aversion to using shampoo.


	3. Chapter 3 Albus Dumbledore

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

There is no record of a Miss Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way having ever attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**Sincerely, Headmaster Dumbledore.**

P.S. Hogwarts does not accept transfer students.


	4. Chapter 4 Blaise Zabini

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. And I can't ever remember seeing Zabini portrayed as a girl._

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

My surname is _not_ Zambini. Learn to spell damn muggles.

**Sincerely, Blaise Zabini.**

P.S. I am a _boy_ for the love of Merlin!


	5. Chapter 5 Sirius Black

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

James was my best friend. I was not having an affair with Lily behind his back. My love for Lily stretched only as far as friendship so please stop insuinating that it was more than that. James is a very jealous man and he has one hell of a stinging jinx!

**Sincerely, Sirius Black.**

P.S. I do not have a long lost son called Jacob - yes all you Twiharders know _exactly_ what I'm talking about!


	6. Chapter 6 Draco Malfoy

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

I know I am devilishly handsome and can understand why you all crave me but I love my wife Astoria.

I have not and never will have extra-marital relations with:

1.) Hermione Granger. (_She is a mudblood for crying out loud!_)

2.) Ginny Weasley. (_A Weasley? Seriously ... I wouldn't touch her if it were a choice between her and a barge pole._)

3.) Luna Lovegood. (_I don't date the certified insane._)

4.) Pansy Parksinson. (_I slept with her once, why would I need to again?)_

5.) Daphne Greengrass. (_She is my sister-in law!_)

6.) Harry Potter. (_You people are sick_.)

7.) Ron Weasley. (_*pukes* That is *vomits* so *retches* repulsive._)

8.) Severus Snape. (_That is simply perverse. Excuse me while I gouge my eyes out._)

9.) Lucius Malfoy (_Sweet Circe he is my Father. My FATHER._)

_Or_ any other person who you conjure up to pair me with. I seem to remember someone once pairing me with the Giant squid. *shudders*

**Sincerely, a thoroughly disgusted Draco Malfoy.**


	7. Chapter 7 Auror Department

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

The Auror department is one of integrity and excellent repute and would never lessen itself to the levels of its adversaries and sanction the use of unforgivables. They are unforgivable for a reason and are only permitted to be used if the country is at war or in situations of dire need. They are strictly forbidden to be used on a whim, so please stop questioning our reputation.

**Sincerely, The Auror Department.**


	8. Chapter 8 Harry Potter

_Author's note. Eh, I don't really go for the cliche that Potters only marry red heads, I think it's just coincidence that both Harry and James married red heads. After all, both my mum and gran married men with black hair. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Have you even read my life story? I am the _boy_ who lived. The _boy_. I hope that clears up any gender confusion. But seriously, how many girls do you know called Harry? While I'm here I may as well set the record straight, no pun intended, in that I am as straight as a ruler. Straight, do you hear that. I don't know what gave you the impression that I like men in that way. Malfoy I can understand, I've seen all that hair gel and grooming, but me? Come _on_. There is only one girl for me, Ginny Weasley. Besides, I wouldn't be a true Potter if I didn't go for a red-headed girl, it's in our blood!

One last thing I am an _only_ child. I do not have a secret long-lost sibling or evil twin thank you very much.

**Sincerely, Harry Potter.**


	9. Chapter 9 Lily Potter

_Author's note. This was originally written by __Callidora-Malfoy. _

**Dear FanFiction Writers,**

Sev will always be my best friend. He was there for me at a time when no-one else was and although he has made some bad decisions in his life, my door will always be open for him. _Always_. I do love him but I am not _in_ love with him, that part of my heart belongs to James.

Although the love I have for Sev is only the love of a friend, I cannot believe how you could think that I would ever forget him, mistreat him or be abusive towards him. He gave his life for my son and in the end proved he was an even more loyal and loving person than I ever knew he was.

**Sincerely, Lily Potter.**


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